discover the inside of me

quote from: http://www.gamez.com.tw/viewthread.php?tid=425719&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Dtype%26amp%3Btypeid%3D935

People usually say that the feeling comes after the broke up with your lover is like heart broken. Well, is it that so painful? Yes, in that moment, it is. But the most horrible thing is the one which is going to come soon later when you are aware that you are a single person. It is not only just a loss of a lover, a girlfriend OR a boyfriend, but a lack of a company, a partner AND a closest friend. I found I feel lonely. I found I am empty. I found I get every feelings lightly. I found I am exhausted from everything. Nothing is there for me at all. Nobody is there for me anymore. Of course there is somebody for me in the future, but I wonder if I can love someone as whole-hearted as i did. At least I feel so absolutely lonely and single. I try such hard to figure out how I could live without her before, how rich my live was fourteen years ago, and why I can't live with myself only. I start to know why the poems all say the feeling is like there is a hole in your heart when you lose the person you fall in love with. Now I just wanna talk with somebody who can listen to and talk with me. But she can't understand any kind of funny things I do purposely to make her laugh. She doesn't know how to make me laugh either. I am feeling I am taking off the suit of armor which is used to protect my tender heart for a long long time, without fear. I start to understand why some old guys will go dying soon after their wives died. Because the most most important people in their lives are gone. There are no enough time for them to find the next one to live and talk with, even if they think they can. There is no reason for me to live if I have to face the kind of situation. Yes, there are something more scared than death for sure. When we are young, we have everything, time, friends, figures, appearances, money and so on. However, we have nothing but few days to live when we are old. I will be really appreciated the girl who is going to fall in love with me. I can't imagine the scene, and it becomes so strange and far away, I mean romance. It is embarrassed to face my real feeling and emotion directly, but I should do it long time ago, maybe before I lost her. Thank God I am still have time to accomplish what I am desired to immerse in. I will keep thinking everything which is related to my future. Sorry ,my friends. I need these days to be calm. I will be back before they start to forget there is a nice guy as me.

A job to a man

picture from http://store.pchome.com.tw/bikecity/M01732091.htm

From that day I arrived home, today is the 134th day. The first 100 days I spent on looking for some opportunities to go abroad again. However, I couldn't make it be happened. There were some particular conditions I lacked probably, but it was so hard for me to figured them out. Therefore, I decided to get a job as soon as possible recently. Suddenly I considered that I have not felt comfortable since I was at home, even I indeed did some researches. Why? About women? About accomplishments? Or is it about a job? Now I consider it is because of the lack of work. It is exact that accomplishments are important, but they are from what we do. I felt worried and frustrated because I have not done what all people do all the time, work. Who can explain that why we all need works to fill up our daily lives? It becomes a rule to have a job in the society, or it will be easier to feel uncomfortable. I can't tell you the answer, but I do felt annoyed. So I started to mail my resume to a lot of companies. It was harder than my expectation. I become picky. I am a senior worker. Some part of me is eager for a supreme chance to realize my dream. I think everyone wants that too. A job means too many things to me now. Maybe I think of it in a wrong direction. A job can represent a salary, a position and a level, but also a lotto, a chance, a future and who I am. Recently, when I looked at some peaceful elders, I wondered if I can enjoy these left peace life in a satisfied way as they chose. Here is one more thing I have to mention. I just bought a scooter this wednesday, and it made me feel like I got my "feet" again. That means I felt I had no "feet" when I took public transportations. It is ridiculous, but I did get more energy when I rode my lovely scooter. Oh! By the way, I chose a old-fashioned scooter which is belong to my grandfather and grandmother's era. Take a look in the end of this article. =)

Open my own business

You will never know what is going to happen in the next moment. It is hard to get a job in Taiwan now, so it becomes the perfect timing to open a business. These days I accomplished two important issues. First, I made a difficult decision to sell out my lovely car. It was not "her" fault, it was mine. "She" realized my dreams about traveling around Taiwan, and it was also the interesting place to warm up my romance ever. However, I have no more chances to hang out with her, and also no more extra money to take care for her. Oh! I miss you so much~. Second, that idea was born yesterday morning while I was exhausted to look for my inexistent job. I was wondering why I didn't take my friends' advices to open a restaurant or a breakfast store. I have a little money and I love cooking, but I would not like to take care for a "space" whole year, whole month or even whole day long. Therefore, I decided to have a company, which I can make my dreams come true via. Well, it is still a dream, as a fetus in mom's uterus. I don't wanna lose it. I am glad that the amazing idea came out of my mind finally. Although it is late a little bit, later better than never. =)

Where is the English version?

This is the second Chinese novel I have read after I came back from Canada. Well, mother language is still the best choice to finish a novel as fast as I want. Every time it is so difficult for me to stop finishing whole books if I made a beginning. This novel is wrote by Paulo Coelho, an effective writer in Latin America, who was born in Brazil. This novel which talks about religion is very interesting. Oh! The name of this book is A BRUXA de PORTOBELLO. I don't know what the language of this name, but the most important issue was happened in that street, St. Portobello. I am not tend to make an outline or a skeleton for that long story. In fact, what made me impressed is that more than half of opinions in this novel are just match my original ideas. I have thought about these strange rules, customs, and thoughts in our society. Although the main idea of the story is about the girl, Athena, who claims the God is the Mother of Land, instead of Jesus who Christians praise and admire since long long time ago. There are so many samples show out that all acknowledge and behaviors which are not normal or unacceptable in the society, and the people with these "unusual" or "irregular" ideas will be attached labels, such as witches or even evil. However, they are just different from regular people. Moreover, when more and more citizens tend to believe in this "evil" religion, Christians starts to defend their historical faith, the only God in the world is Jesus and others are threaten. Whatever, all chapters in the novel are endeavoring to reveal some interesting but lack of logic phenomenons in our society and then discuss them in special events. That breaks the rules in my world for a while; however, the acts of brainwash are existing in every moment. It is not easy to think about something in an irregular or opposite way with confidence. At the same time, I wonder if all the ideas in my mind are correct or just disciplined?

A wonderful daydream

Well, that's true. If the God closes a window, he/she will open anothe one or more. When all Brian's plans got stuck, new ideas just ran out of his brain automatically. That day, he was reading some articles from Time magazines because he loves English so much. Coincidentally, there was a wise elder, sitting on the opposite seat to his, who sank into that piles of newspapers. Around 1 hour passed, the elder finished that huge task by browsing through those newspapers effectively, and he started reading some magazines which were published in English. Brian looked at him with surprised expression. An old man who looked like fifty-five years old probably was doing what Brian used to do for more than 10 years. The scene gave Brian a shock badly. "Will that be my future?" Brian asked himself sadly. "Does he love English too? Is he retired now? What is he going to do after he finish these magazines again? He probably spent all his time in the library before, and maybe he is going to do this ritual until he dies." Well, that was no answer. Maybe Brian was right, but it could be wrong. However, that truth was horrible, and it made Brian scared badly. The plan Brian made has to be expanded in the future. He wants to be useful in the future. What will he be lately? Maybe a teacher, an instructor, or a professor? We will see.

Farmer & Businessman & Consumer

Because of searching a job, I found a general but unfamiliar phenomenon about hard farmers in Taiwan. These hardest farmers didn't get a reasonable income after they endeavored for almost whole year. The qualities of their rice and fruit were better than the average of these goods imported from other countries; however, the return they got was lower than what they should gain. They couldn't sell their products in a "right" price. In addition, consumers still have to pay higher price to buy these food, and sometimes they couldn't obtain the same quality of these goods which were from these hard farmers. Why? What happened? Where is the money? Who takes it away surreptitiously? I don't understand this event completely, but some people and reports showed me that there is another group between farmers and consumers, businessmen. These businessmen not only pressed down the price of the farm produce when they purchased them from farmers, but also raised the selling price to get more benefit from consumers. They didn't work as hard as farmers, but they do get much more than anybody. Moreover, these businessmen tried to adopt a bill to prohibit farmers from selling their products by themselves. It is disgusting!! I was a businessman. Maybe that's why I can't comprehend this appearance of things before. I was in it. But now I am really sad to know this unfair situation which is existing in the society long enough.
A company what is hiring employees which are good at marketing and sales. The company is composed of around 50 farmers. They try to play the role of businessman to sell their goods and protect their benefit. They claimed that this behavior to be businessmen is an adventure for them because they are still farmers inside. They did this because they had to and must did it. I gave them my resume to see if I can offer some of my abilities to grow up the company but I haven't get any response yet. Maybe they found that I was a businessman totally, and it is terrible and dangerous to work with "real" businessman as staying with a wild animal. :(
I wish they can operate that company successfully. They have to understand that their compositors are these starving businessmen who are cold and crude when they deal with "money". How these farmers can survive between these wild animals? Wish them lucky....

Schedule

Is there a most proper timing to achieve a specific accomplishment? What I am sure is that there are always lateness and earliness. Some guys are lucky to find their way to go straight to their aims. Some are not such lucky, but they are still find other unusual ways to arrive the destinations. However, maybe few people never find the narrow and blurred roads when they spend their short lives in the world. Recalling my past life, unexpected schools, people, jobs were unexpectedly filled it. Is it kind of a classic disaster? lol! I wish it is not because the TV station might want me to be their guest to explain how I feel about my unusual experience. OK. Actually, my schedule "is" that after I am back home, I will submit application to an ICDF to go abroad and then I will be content to be a worker in my left life. Additionally, I have plan B which is to serve in a foreign company for a ling time if I can. I consider about the rules which I made and I try to destroy them now. I wonder I can do it successfully but it is interesting to challenge the stuff what the guy built previously. It is the third month I spend on thinking, so I feel it is time to "do", to move forward. Even something stupid. Be hungry, be foolish; Be brave, be smart; Be humorous, be unexpected; Be positive, be confident. Be confident, be confident.