discover the inside of me

quote from: http://www.gamez.com.tw/viewthread.php?tid=425719&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Dtype%26amp%3Btypeid%3D935

People usually say that the feeling comes after the broke up with your lover is like heart broken. Well, is it that so painful? Yes, in that moment, it is. But the most horrible thing is the one which is going to come soon later when you are aware that you are a single person. It is not only just a loss of a lover, a girlfriend OR a boyfriend, but a lack of a company, a partner AND a closest friend. I found I feel lonely. I found I am empty. I found I get every feelings lightly. I found I am exhausted from everything. Nothing is there for me at all. Nobody is there for me anymore. Of course there is somebody for me in the future, but I wonder if I can love someone as whole-hearted as i did. At least I feel so absolutely lonely and single. I try such hard to figure out how I could live without her before, how rich my live was fourteen years ago, and why I can't live with myself only. I start to know why the poems all say the feeling is like there is a hole in your heart when you lose the person you fall in love with. Now I just wanna talk with somebody who can listen to and talk with me. But she can't understand any kind of funny things I do purposely to make her laugh. She doesn't know how to make me laugh either. I am feeling I am taking off the suit of armor which is used to protect my tender heart for a long long time, without fear. I start to understand why some old guys will go dying soon after their wives died. Because the most most important people in their lives are gone. There are no enough time for them to find the next one to live and talk with, even if they think they can. There is no reason for me to live if I have to face the kind of situation. Yes, there are something more scared than death for sure. When we are young, we have everything, time, friends, figures, appearances, money and so on. However, we have nothing but few days to live when we are old. I will be really appreciated the girl who is going to fall in love with me. I can't imagine the scene, and it becomes so strange and far away, I mean romance. It is embarrassed to face my real feeling and emotion directly, but I should do it long time ago, maybe before I lost her. Thank God I am still have time to accomplish what I am desired to immerse in. I will keep thinking everything which is related to my future. Sorry ,my friends. I need these days to be calm. I will be back before they start to forget there is a nice guy as me.

A job to a man

picture from http://store.pchome.com.tw/bikecity/M01732091.htm

From that day I arrived home, today is the 134th day. The first 100 days I spent on looking for some opportunities to go abroad again. However, I couldn't make it be happened. There were some particular conditions I lacked probably, but it was so hard for me to figured them out. Therefore, I decided to get a job as soon as possible recently. Suddenly I considered that I have not felt comfortable since I was at home, even I indeed did some researches. Why? About women? About accomplishments? Or is it about a job? Now I consider it is because of the lack of work. It is exact that accomplishments are important, but they are from what we do. I felt worried and frustrated because I have not done what all people do all the time, work. Who can explain that why we all need works to fill up our daily lives? It becomes a rule to have a job in the society, or it will be easier to feel uncomfortable. I can't tell you the answer, but I do felt annoyed. So I started to mail my resume to a lot of companies. It was harder than my expectation. I become picky. I am a senior worker. Some part of me is eager for a supreme chance to realize my dream. I think everyone wants that too. A job means too many things to me now. Maybe I think of it in a wrong direction. A job can represent a salary, a position and a level, but also a lotto, a chance, a future and who I am. Recently, when I looked at some peaceful elders, I wondered if I can enjoy these left peace life in a satisfied way as they chose. Here is one more thing I have to mention. I just bought a scooter this wednesday, and it made me feel like I got my "feet" again. That means I felt I had no "feet" when I took public transportations. It is ridiculous, but I did get more energy when I rode my lovely scooter. Oh! By the way, I chose a old-fashioned scooter which is belong to my grandfather and grandmother's era. Take a look in the end of this article. =)